Like many of us, I had lived a life of belligerence – opinionated, intoxicated, hustled and travelled. I never sat home for a minute. The only time I would find myself at home is to sleep at night. Just couple of weeks before covid hit the world, I was doing a road trip across the winter of Iceland braving snow storms and staying in beautiful scenic Airbnb’s in temperatures way below zero throughout my two week trip.
My sister, the partner in crime and the chief planner, had decided we will travel Europe unlike many would, one country at a time. First of which was Iceland. Next year, August 2020, would have been Italy.
We all know what went down and I guess each of us have a story to tell about the mental and physical assault we went through to get past 2020. Political, religious, international or simply things being shared and shouted on falsely. It still is, half way into 2021, a never ending rabbit hole and there is no choice of exit.
As things are I changed a few things compulsively in my behaviour to work better and make work from home fruitful. But I also found some peace in the process. These are certainly not guaranteed to work for everybody but some things are common sense and I realized it only this late.
Stop criticising everything or everybody. Stop being involved in somebody else life.
Being part of a humongous Indian society, every move you make is a criticism and a gossip. Everybody unrelated even, has a comment on you or the family. The most watched Indian shows capitalize on this culture and reward people for bad bitchy behaviour. This kind of a negative culture gets imbibed from a very young age by seeing parents and others doing it regularly with everybody. “Sharmaji” and the subsequent dialogs inundates the country with memes and jokes – famous of them being “Sharmaji Ka beta”.
This took away a lot of my brain processing. I sat to talk with family or office friends and it took away a lot of mental time – politics, neighbours, relatives and the subject becomes so personal that I was expected to take sides, if I didn’t, they stopped talking or it became awkward. Imagine losing friends and family over politics or religion, both of which won’t help you when you need help.
It not only brought in social anxiety but also the brain was 100% occupied and I gotta no time to think about innovation or code that I could have otherwise written.
What did I do to change this? This is the hardest and it took the longest, especially when it is unconsciously happening.
- Silence is golden. Sit and listen and not absorb. From a very young age I had this mental trick to tune out. What I mean by tune out is, I can think of something completely different while I am nodding my head at the discussion on the table. I have a go to trope – I would imagine playing for India in a cricket game. Based on the series going on at that time, I will imagine India to be really struggling to win when I step out to bat and save the game. It sounds ridiculous, but it is more elaborate. Similarly I imagine playing tennis and hitting some outrageous shots. It is narcissistic, yes, but only in my head and so the brain invests in the alternate thought and does not wander. It is similar to how we play video games – we never tell our friends how much we failed, but how well we succeeded in a game. Find the trope that interests you.
- If silence doesn’t work, walk away or change the subject. An inflamed brain is a dangerous tool. So choose to exit the conversation or simply make a polite excuse and go away from toxicity.
- If none of those work, confront. As an example – A lot of things were falsely being discussed on the subject of how internet and phones work during these times. Or how spams, false news and other tech things work. Having worked with computers and internet for the last twenty years, I may claim to be a subject matter expert on the technology of those subjects but I know only a very small fraction of a fraction. Others are experts in different fields and they are not fully expected to know how technology works. Educate them and remind them politely that you know on the subject and set the record straight. An informed polite confrontation more often than not ends a toxic discussion.
- Grow balls to discuss the criticism with the person I am criticising.
Time is irreversible.
If the choice is between taking more time or spending more money, choose to spend the money than taking more time. One can always make back the money, but I can’t with all the money in the world get back the time. Instead of taking a train, which takes a day, if it is affordable, take a flight and be there in three hours. Train may cost way lesser, but the time saved is way more precious, even if it is spent resting.
Of course this comes with several caveats most importantly – affordability. If it is not affordable it is not a choice then one can only spend time whether you choose it or not.
Another caveat might be that you want to spend time – a train journey with a loved one or a trek through scenic landscape than taking that taxi.
Take that risk.
A few of my friends spent a lot of their savings investing in shares, crypto and land. I chose to save for an emergency during Covid. What if I lost my job or lost the saving? What if there is a medical emergency in the family.
When the market rose, at the end of phase I, my friends had doubled or tripled their savings. Fear sometimes makes us irrational, choke up and be complacent. Here I am not just talking of money but everything unknown. Should I take that new job? Should I travel during the times?
An impulsive risk is often detrimental and is like playing Russian roulette. But an informed risk has more chances of success. If I change the job, does the compensation or position cover my risk? Have I researched enough about the new company and its outlook? If I travel, am I taking the precautions of wearing masks, washing my hands and following protocol even more so than normal?
From that lesson, I managed to travel, see movies in theatre, change a job and do a bit of investment during the first/second phase. All of which perhaps I didn’t do so much (except movies and travel) pre-covid times.
Finally, stand against flaming. Think and reason on your own.
end.
